I guess that's why they call it "The Blues"

I'm getting slightly ahead of myself by writing this post before even announcing the birth of my sweet surrobabe, but as I was sitting in the dark pumping at 5am, the thoughts were flooding me and I need to get them out before they're gone.

This week has been hard. It's difficult for me to admit, because I would love to say that I have been fantastic and everything has been 100% positive. But these feelings are part of the journey, and therefore something that needs to be talked about and documented. I feel guilty that I didn't write more during the course of my pregnancy, and yet now I find myself itching to come post every time I have another profound thought about the experience. But I suppose that's the way it goes - when things are wonderful it's just not as therapeutic to dump my heart out to the blank white box.

So anyway. It's been hard. What exactly do I mean by that? I'm sure many people would jump to the conclusion that I mean I'm having second thoughts and I want the baby. That really couldn't be further from the truth. I still feel just as I did when I began this journey, he's not my baby, he never was my baby, and he is exactly where he belongs. Wanting him here with me instead of with his parents has never been on my radar.

No, my sadness comes from the realization that my job is done. It's really over and my IFs and the baby don't need me any more (which actually isn't true at all because they very much want me in their lives, but that's how my slightly irrational side currently feels). It's like waiting for Christmas morning as a kid, counting the months, weeks and days with ridiculous anticipation until you finally get to tear open your gifts, and in one swift moment, it's over. Sure, you have some cool new toys to look at, but that build-up is gone. Except this time, I don't really get to play with my toys, I just get to admire them from afar. It's time to get back to my normal life, whatever normal is - and that's where I'm left feeling a little lost and empty. This is something that was all-consuming for our whole family for the past 16 months and now it's over - who wouldn't feel confused?

I've talked to lots of surrogates about this topic and I know it's normal, despite not being discussed often. Some surrogates don't ever feel this way at all. I anticipated that I would, it's just my personality. I'm a wave-my-heart-around-on-giant-flag kind of girl. Still, I don't think you can really prepare yourself for how it will feel until you're there, in the middle of it.

So often when I was pregnant, I would get the same question: Aren't you worried you'll get attached to the baby? I always answered with a simple "nope!" Oh, how I've learned that it's SO much more complex than that. I am attached to that baby. So deeply attached. How could I not be, after carrying him for 9 months, and wishing for him so fiercely before that? Being pregnant with him was more similar to my pregnancies with my own children than I expected it would be - my husband rubbed my belly every night, we talked to my belly, my kids kissed it and loved it and were excited. So yes, I am attached to him. I love him just like I would my own, except it's a slightly different kind of love. I knew from the beginning that he wasn't mine and that's what makes it possible for me to be apart from him so easily - but we still have an attachment and always will.

When we were in the hospital after he was born, it was so interesting and a little odd to not feel the overwhelming mama bear instincts that I felt with my own - that intense desire for your baby to never leave your sight and to protect him at all costs. I didn't feel an ounce of that and was happy to send him off with his daddies. They, on the other hand, were very protective papa bears and followed him to the nursery for every test, questioning everything that was being done with their son. It's funny how everyone fell into their roles regardless of who carried the baby.

Despite all these emotions, I still have an intense happiness inside me as well. I am so, so proud of what I did for that family, and that pride overshadows any small bit of sadness that lingers about the journey being over. It's the end of my role as his caretaker, but the beginning of a life for a brand new happy family, one that I'll get to watch from afar as it grows and flourishes. Quite the sweet payoff for a few months of pregnancy, I must say.

I used to shrug it off when people would tell me I was amazing for what I was doing. It's not that hard, I would say to all the "I could never do that!"s. But I think I've gained a new respect for myself and the surrogacy process through the birth of this baby. It IS hard. It's rewarding and awesome, but it's hard, and it takes courage I never thought I possessed. So no, most people probably couldn't ever do it. I can, and I did. I guess I am pretty amazing - a compliment I can finally accept and appreciate.